kleed

Listening to a song by chance
I hear one you gave me years ago
You asked me once if I loved you ,
and I guess I essentially said yes
My parents asked me if I loved you
I called you gay ,
so I guess I essentially said yes.

And even now I want to know why it pains me so much to think of you
of how I was so so wrong

and you know what?
Two years later from really getting to know you
I can safely say I never loved you

I just couldn't accept the fact that someone I thought was such a good person
was such an asshole

forget the things you said to me
the disrespect you paid my parents

you're an asshole
you try and make yourself sound so good
because you have such huge insecurities

you talk about all your friends behind their backs
to make yourself look better

you even critique other peoples fucking significant others compared to who you think you are
and who you think they should be

it's because I refused to let myself admit I made a mistake
that I trusted him when he said he's a good guy , but he's broken , you're good at fixing people fix him.

I sometimes wish I never became friends with you.

But now I know ,
that the people we try to help so hard,
can sometimes be the ones we need to leave alone.

You needed a distraction
so I was it
You wanted to save people
and I guess you think you saved me

I'll grant you that you tried for whatever reason
but the best thing I ever did for myself was stop talking to you

and maybe now, a year later,

I can let down my guard,
because as adament as I am that you'll never change

maybe he's right this time

I doubt it ,
but this time I won't let your hurt shield the hurt you do unto others.

The easiest thing to do
sometimes is the worst thing
The hardest ,
is sometimes the best
and no matter which one you choose,
you have to live with whether when it came time to stand strong, you stood your ground
even though it killed you
or if you took the easy path
and let everything else fall apart
shed all responsibility
shed all sense of challenge
and seemed like a hero

An empty one that is

Sometimes, the hardest things hurt the most
they beat you down until you think your going to break
but they're the right thing to do
they're the thing that even though your bloody and broken ,
you can live with easier than having just walked on and away
they're the reason when you go to bed you replay the moment over and over again
and the reason you lose sleep
and the reason you wake up and realize you did what was right

you stood there and screamed at the top of your lungs
till your throat was raw and spitting blood
but what you screamed was the truth
what you screamed was the hardest things to say
the things no one wants to hear
the things that make your stomach churn because theyre so sharp and true

and in the end you slump to your knees
teeth speckled with blood
throat burning from your screams
body aching from the beatings
palms trembling from the pain

but you know
you know you did the right thing
and they can kill you before they'll ever be able to take that away from you.

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Too often do acts of violence go unreported, too often do bystanders watch on and say naught , even on the school yard, if you see someone being hurt, see someone being bullied, dont stand around and watch . Speak out.
Bystanders play a part worse than the attacker themself.
Don't be silent.
Don't be the one who fails to make a difference.
Can you really live with a clean conscience having stood on by?

I would choose the moment I said , no, you come here.
I need to learn to stop trying to be coy
stop trying to be sexual
stop trying to be something Im not
Im perfectly happy sleeping alone in my own bed
with flannel pj pants that you tried to steal
and with my multitude of gifted stuffed animals
I think my life would be the same
we'd still of ended up not being friends anymore
but honestly?
I've already knocked it off any list of anything I've ever done
I don;t count it at all.
And when I mention it , it;s with disdain,
so for my sake,
it'd be better if it never happened because it would be one less awkward story i'd have to tell

I run away
all the time
from places and people
that I love
but cannot at the same time

I hold them in my hands
and scatter them to the wind
believing they will be better without me

I used to always say
that this year would be interrupted
that my world would completely change
that something amazing would happen
and as much as everything would get thrown around
I'd be better for it in the long run

I never knew what that was
until a little while ago,
I started to grasp what it might be
and in light of recent events
and recent things said
that have thrown me right back to who I was last year
I've realized
No matter how much I think I am ,
I'm not.

I said in jest once
that me throwing my life to the wind this half
led me to realize, that i've never given this town a chance, never given the people here a chance,
always looked for change, and never been content with what I had.
Many a true word is spoken in jest.

I really never had given anything ,
or one a chance
rare moments have occurred
and even rarer is that i have been burnt
to the point where I haven't even been able to recognize the sorry mess looking back at me in the mirror

I never got that
how I started to let someone get to me so much
when I've always been impenetrable when it came to remarks or actions, or things not done or said.
How someone so content could suddenly want to scream I HATE YOU so loudly their lungs would explode and people would stop and stare.

And then I realized,
I didn't.
I wasn't.
I thought I had changed, that I had become some sort of weak human being ,
when in reality

Im a hell of a lot stronger

What's the reason
that I always write about the horrible
always about the depressing
or the melodramtical
its always been an output
to purge my system in a sense
so this little corner of the itnernet
is where I write the things
I know people I know can see
and know they may read
but feel comfortable enough to let them know
the things I dont
I used to keep locked away
but decided why not put them too on display
there's another me on here
somewhere
hidden in the shadows
with crossreferenced entries
and things that come from things touched on here

Don't touch my face
with your cool fingertips
I might shatter at your touch

And then everyone would know I'm human
that I love
that I hurt
that I can break
and what a pity that would be
because then ,
I'd have to kill you
to show them how heartless I really am

sometimes words run out of my mouth
like children fighting to get out a door
all muddled and loud, with excitement within them

I like the way you look
on your knees
screaming no more

I hate to say it
but your right
but at the same time
your so fucking wrong,

I'm laughing so hard my ribs ache
my stomach feels like cement
and my heart feels like its going to explode
I wonder if this is what dying feels like
except less fun

Id take your hand
and walk with you
except I know where that hands been
and don't want to catch what she might have given you

Your hands placement
is simple
and innocent
but it drives me over the edge
with my mind screaming to run


I hate talking to you
because you never talk to me
only at

im named after a song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U25ZtizsFuI

Do you remember chalk hearts melting
on a playground wall?
Do you remember dawn escaped
from moonwashed college halls?
Do you remember the cherry blossom
in the market square?
Do you remember I thought
it was confetti in our hair
By the way didn’t I break your heart?
Please excuse me, I never meant
to break your heart.
So sorry I never meant to break your heart.
But you broke mine.
Kayleigh is it too late to say I’m sorry.
Kayleigh could we get it together again.
I can’t go on pretending that it
came to a natural end.
Kayleigh I never thought I’d miss you,
and Kayleigh I’d hoped that
we’d always be friends.
We said our love would last forever,
so how did it come to this bitter end.
Do you remember barefoot
on the lawn with shooting stars
Do you remember loving on the floor
in Belsize Park
Do you remember dancing
in stilletos in the snow
Do you remember you never
understood I had to go.
By the way, didn’t I break your heart?
Please excuse me I never meant
to break your heart
So sorry, I never meant
to break your heart,
But you broke mine.
Kayleigh, I just want to say I’m sorry,
but Kayleigh I’m too scared to pick up the phone.
To find you’ve found another lover
to patch up our broken home.
Kayleigh, I’m still trying
to write that love song,
Kayleigh it’s more important
to me now you’re gone.
Maybe it’ll prove that we were right
Or it will prove that I was wrong

I'd choose the sound of rain against the window pain
drip drip drip , running down it
I'd choose the sound of Bauer's paws on the floor,
as his doggy nails tap the hardwood
I'd choose the sound of the bathtub running
I'd choose the noise shampoo makes as its lathered on my locks
I'd choose the sound a hug makes
and the sound that my heart used to make when you'd touch me
I'd choose the sound of my fingers typing out the manuscript to my life
tap tap tap onto the keyboard
I'd choose the sound you make when you see me
and I'd choose the sounds I used to make when I would break you down into a million little pieces
I'd choose the sound of a car driving up onto the driveway , the gravel crunching
I'd choose the sound of water boiling
and the sound of my pillow as I fall asleep
I'd choose the sounds of life.

Kaeleigh D Becky
you are not going to fail
your perfectly capable of apssing if i was able to pass all my classes last semester
and i have to sort out next year soon :s
i just remeembered last week that for the longest time i told my parents that i was going to drop out second semester of uni first year because somethign amazing was going to happen
im waiting!
its been like a month!
I think the amazing will be me actually figuring out my life.
and i hope it includes bands
and right now,
i think i may be staying here for a year or two,
i've spent my whole life trying to run away from everything, that i've never stopped and enjoyed anything. ...
i think the moment of amazingness just occured.
February 20 at 3:16pm


i've spent my whole life trying to run away from everything, that i've never stopped and enjoyed anything. ...

eff u

eff u seek aim ee

funny how things get out of proportion